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NOTE: We are not John Swartzwelder. You cannot contact John Swartwelder through this site. This site is an unofficial resource for fans to explore and enjoy his work. However, shouting his name out your window while dancing naked at 3am has been reported as a successful means of contacting Mr. Swartzwelder by some visitors to our site. Your experience may vary.

1. We cannot get you a job on The Simpsons.
2. We cannot get Mr. Swartzwelder to autograph any items for you.
3. We can no longer raise the dead, as per our lawyer, Mr. Hutz.

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